My hand turned me down
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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