either way he was missing a nipple.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We had sex on a dog bed..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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