His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
