Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
even my farts smell like vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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