just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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