I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
