Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Semen is not good for contacts.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
