I accidentally burped into my bong.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
