I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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