I'd wear matching sweaters with you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
