Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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