wrigley field is MILF paradise
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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