Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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