Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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