i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
