When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i dont even know how to be here
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
