OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
