Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
