At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
