I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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