Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
