The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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