Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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