Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
