Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
