I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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