I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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