Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
