I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
