I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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