I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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