You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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