Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
