I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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