Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
