ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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