So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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