if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
