he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
