Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
