I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
