On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
