I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
