So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
