i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
