You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
