he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
