It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
