i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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