The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
