She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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