Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
