I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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