apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
