My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
