You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize