Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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