EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
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Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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