my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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